i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
