I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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