Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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