its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
