Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
