Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
