My boss' voice literally gives me gas
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
