Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
