I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
