Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
