Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
