i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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