When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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