Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
