You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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