chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The Olympian is in my bed
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
