A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
