There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
