I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
