god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
