yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
