Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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