i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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