I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
