I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
