then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
