I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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