can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
