Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
