I wish my penis had an off switch
one two three fourrrrnication!
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
