They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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