i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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