Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
