I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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