be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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