actually, I'm a sock model
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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