So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
