I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
