Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
