The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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