Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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