just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
