Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
