Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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