I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This is my life. Enjoy the view
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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