god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
