i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
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I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
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Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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