life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I am never drinking with the goths again.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
