I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
