apparently the secret to your success is patron
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
