i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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