you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
