Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
