I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
