i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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