yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
