I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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